Friday, April 3, 2009

The Green Red Apple.

i really miss my long hair. i think it really makes a woman so much more elegant and timeless. Feminine too. And my eyes' ability to wear color contacts... Sigh~ That's one thing money can't buy. (That kinda) Ability.

OK now i am pretty sad. i feel like calling my dad. But it is too late today. So i talked to Zen instead.

"Why call?"

"i don't know. To hear his voice?"

"Hahaha. Cute. But you with long hair, is not a Cindy I know. i only know the one with short hair that likes to go 'hor hor hor'... =P"

"That's because you only know me after MDG. And i have to say; sometimes even i wonder - Why have i changed so much. Hard to know myself. You know,,, there's a difference between lovin' Cindy Tey and Cindy MDG. Now it's the latter and nobody notices that; only me and only me. It is sad actually. But it's also meant to be because it is something that can't change me back; even if it's long forgotten."

"Cindy MDG? i think you're still you. All a part of you. They're not separate."

"How do you know when you never know me before MDG? Have you ever knew a happy girl? A happier me? Never crushed or cursed. Can you imagine lovin' a happier happy me?"

i'm least happier now not because i believe i can't be -
i can't bring anything or words to compare -
But if i must,
i just am.
Was a very happy girl.
Now i forgot how to smile.
And i feel like i'm living for others,
tho i'm living my life more than anyone else,
i miss.

"i think you're smarter now."

"i AM smarter now - i cant deny. And meaner too."

"Well, i think right now, we should be glad we're where we are. haha =)"

"It's not funny - i cry sometimes when i know these things. And my period is here so i know it is not PMS."

"The only way we could have is the way things worked out now?"

"i want to get away of this place and start anew."

"You can change that by being yourself."

"What i have i appreciate, but i don't know what is that - Maybe its knowledge, curiosity or in search of somethin' i don't know; which makes me
sad; but trying to be happy with the things i have.
When i sometimes would rather loose em' things... to regain something New.
i hope i'm makin' sense."

"Yeah. i paham. i think you'll be at peace with things. Give it time."

"i gave it a year. Have u not yet know?"

"i think you don't like how the previous events have caused you to do or feel what you feel, and its like you're feeling a little dirty from it, and you wanna wash it off. But you don't have to let those things affect you that way. You can grow two ways. And if you don't like it, you can move against it."

Move against it.
Move it against.
That's what i did;
And perhaps still doing.

"You don't have to let those things define you. We all do things we're not happy with but we are not those things. We're bigger and better than that. Internally there is a core that doesn't change."

"That's the core that makes me struggle. Cause it hasn't change. But the flesh has. Changed its color. i wonder how sad a red apple would be if it's dyed to become green."

"It's still an apple."

"But what's the point being called a green apple then? When it is actually red, and happier being red."

"It's still crunchy. And a fruit. And people eat it. Happiness is chosen. What makes you unhappy? Don't do it anymore."

"Funny enough - This place."