Sunday, March 4, 2007

~ Walkin' Round In A Circle ~

Walkin' Round In A Circle ~ ; Open & Close

SOME things just don't need to have a reason to happen. I sit at the doorsteps, leaning my head carefully towards the opened door; wearing my grey Pink Panther jacket with its hood & my favourite pink Puma shorts; I feel the chill breeze blowing strongly hitting my face and legs; the uncovered flesh. I look down to my feet, they are white & pale; so cold, so cold, it's not funny & it's not even autumn or winter yet, & I believe my face is as pale too, as they feel the same. I wish I can hold a mug of hot chocolate in my hands to melt the invisible layer of ice flakes between the gaps of my fingers while enjoying the just view of my neighbour's house from my seat, but I got up & do another thing without any reason(s). I walk away.

I do it. My grey sandals from home & for home are worn outside. I don't resist. Why should I even think or worry about sandals? The me I know would. I close my eyes, that is left behind now & then. I look down, & up the sky again. The breeze, not the wind, is so cold, I know I repeated, but it is really pretty strong. I can't open my eyes as they feel so dry now. Leave those thoughts behind... leave them behind.. leave them. I keep on telling myself, but fail in vain. Everything exists in my mind box, scattered, shattered, everywhere. Not pieces of puzzles, BUT Broken Pieces of Puzzles; I am not able to even make up a simple sentence anymore.

I cross the road & then the 1st path I always & will always have to pass. The route to Uni. I can't keep my mind blank, nor can I keep her occupied. Passing Uni... I was happy before; the thoughts of going to Uni & seeing my new classmates, but mAybE the fact that I'm the only Asian in the whole School of Performing Arts, I feel alienated, island-ated, the outsider, the observer, again. again.. again... The last time was the four of us together, now, one. Me. I can't believe how strong I am mentally, & perhaps that's why graduates from the Performing Arts are more special.

As I console my own soul, I realize I should be happy, I am happy, & there is no reason to not be. I walk down the street till I pass by an unsheltered shop selling new & used Mazda cars. One of the seller stalked me till I almost reached my house the other day, but another guy like Kid Rock was faster than he was, & so he had to wait to talk to me. I was freaked out, but they were just hi bye people to me. I don't want to think too much or have to worry about that. Being eXtra-friendly would I consider them to be. But still having that Mazda guy in mind, I always quicken my pace each time I pass by that shop. How on earth can I clear my mind with all these people?!?! Sick of everything.

How ironic.
When you are beautiful & you get large number of people going after you, you felt that they are annoying & extras in your life. But once you loose them, you wonder why something's missing, & you want them all back.
When you are fat & ugly, you get no one to go after you, you feel so desperate & lonely, you want boys, guys, and more men to go after you & lust for your fat body which; you wish will turn to lean meat one day. And then if you got some males after you, you think you are so pretty Even If you are fat; become over confident, dressed up like a fat whore, & make people annoyed just by looking at you. How cruel & cold is this real world; people just love beautiful things more & everyone loves to be love & loveD.

I stopped in the middle of Victoria's Bridge on TAMAR River. I recalled a dream I had previously EACH time I walked pass her.

The Backpackers was on the left instead of the right. It's only a short route, the bridge with a few lamp posts, and that's all. I was in the backpackers with my housemates, I think. We were very busy carrying heavy luggages up & down the stairs non-stop. Suddenly I felt sick & tired I pulled a guy's hand whom I can't remember who he was (but I knew he was cute alrite~!) downstairs. I know him very well, I know who he is! I do! We ran outside the backpacker's door as I sat him down on a bench placed on the bridge, jumped onto his lap & kissed him! Well... that was an eXtremLy passionate KISS I must sAy..~! (OMG! >.<)
As the sun begin to set & the very right second the sky got dark, the kiss stopped our eyes opened ALL the city lights were lit every cars begin to move & everybody starts making noise. Everything came back to life & now it's night time. He smiled at me & I smiled back, trying to record this little very precious moment in my treasure box momory when my cellphone rang, waking me up from my most beautiful dream. Thanks. Now I will NEVER remember who HE is. -.-""
There I stand on the bridge. 2 roads diverge in front of my eyes, which one should I take? I planned from the start of my "journey" I would turn left, but then without reasons, I turn right. It feels totally unexpected to me but I just continue walking alone. It is a Sunday evening & there are so little cars around, what say you about people on their feet? I look down on the tar road, my friend once said, "If you feel that the journey is too far, look down when you walk, by the time you realize, you would have reach your destination." I always remember that here cause I have to walk a LOT, but I questioned myself if that is what I wanted for the reason I walked so far today. No. Well... I always complain, sigh, stop to sulk, or even shout each time I carry back the groceries from K Mart + Coles with my housemates. I only do so when there are people around; perhaps to show what a Princess I am, I also realized how lame this is, but when I'm alone, this is what I am. I stop. To think. Or pause. To resume -back my life.
I really don't know why I sometimes do the things I do. I act in so many ways different from who I really am. I wonder if that is me, or am I trying to become someone else, or am I who I am because I learnt what I THINK is best to be when it comes to mix with people, because I am never used to be. The REAL me hate strangers. I don't say hi, I don't talk, nor smile to them, I even glare & stare with my evil eyes; I had them, but now you can never see them. That WAS the real me, no one taught. The "real" me now... I am sometimes still REAL, but sometimes I become more-than-extremly-hyper in front of certain groups of strangers. I say HI to everyone, I talk like a spoilt chatterbox without a stop or pause button, I laugh like crazy into their eyes. This is the "real" me, I don't recall who taught. Sure enough, I got more friends this way, now that I speak, but this is only MY way I THINK would work & then slowly have to try my best to ease out from the stereotype to fit in my own shoes once again to have a place in the society. However, in the end of the day, everyone thinks that you are a happy, noisy, pink baby bird, But deep down inside, I really KNOW what they THOUGHT they know, & I know I am not SO, & that they are not REALLY good friends anyway, & all I have is still, only Myself to cling on.
I look down the black route for the uncounted times. I see a very yellow symbol of "200" & a bicycle. I then know it's a route for everyone to stroll. After 1/4 of the road, I see a bench on my left. I don't know why am I relieve; maybe it's comforting to know that you are not the only one who strolls on the empty road, & I continued walking till I heard voices of ugly crows crowing from the building & flying everywhere. A white dove is intimidated by them & fly into the river & begins to "swim". I now see that other birds are actually afraid of their ugly voices, so am I. Once the crows stop & fly away from the dove, it speeds off into another direction. Short National Geography session, that is. ^^
I look up the sky and close my eyes. I continue walking with my eyes close. The breeze never stopped blowing, this time accompany by strong wind. Closing my face with my freezing palms, I rub my dry eyes and icy ears. I feel a lil' warm now on my face, and my eyes begin to get a bit teary just to ease the dryness. I don't want to cry & I don't see why should I, but it seems like the wind wants me to badly. My eyes tear & my nose *snifflez*. I look as if I am crying & ran away from home by the way I dressed. I understand I am not problem free now; or I won't be taking this stroll after all, but I don't want to cry for anybody except myself.
I allow the extremly bright sun to shine its UV through my thin, translucent just-scrubbed face & to double reflect its reflection from the river back to my face. I dig my finger tips into my head; trapping the cold air inside my shiny brown hair flying around the sky; attached to their roots. I squeeze my head tight, releasing it as I walk. I feel so good! I asked myself if I am happy & I actually feel guilty for doubting as I was given a chance to come here at least, when my other friends who wanted, can't or can never.
I turned back to see how far I had walked, I had walked a very long way, but how long is this compare to the futhur future roads I have to go on & to others who had? This is nothing, but again, I know, if I am not alone, I MIGHT be fidgeting. The mountains behind the hills protects everything here, including me, the nice, cosy houses on the hills, & the people inside them. The scene is too beautiful to believe, though there are even nicer ones everywhere in this world, I am grateful I get to experience what I see. I am at Tasmania. Till now, I still don't feel as if I'll be here for a year which; is neither a long nor a short period of time, making certain things kinda hard for me to make decisions. I am a Scorpio, NOT a Libra! But I don't know why making decisions had become a very big fuss in my life.
I close. I open. I close. & I open again. I have to believe this. I AM at Australia & I AM seeing what I see, doing what I am SUPPOSE to do. I see the 3rd bench; which happened to be the last one, & sat there. It looks safe & secure but feels hazardous. I close my eyes again & leave the worry behind. I leave my mind blank, allowing whatever to come comes. Surprisingly, nothing comes by my messed up mind. It's..... B.L.A.N.K. My head tilts to-the-left, {a question of imagination without limits resurface} & I concious + sub-conciously think of which shoulder whould I choose to lie on. Argh.. I can't take this anymore! I'm tire. I said it. Why can't people understand? After saying, I'm afraid of regrets. Why say not to say both works not? But I know there are some things that just haft-to-be-done sooner or later or they become worst.
He loves me he said. I never say I love him.
He makes me trust him but is it weird when I doubt? ;
When people can't be trusted by their faces, how can their words be?
I am human & I can do the same, & if so, why can't you?
He gives me the pearls of the sea and the gems from his blood;
But can love be measured by objects or gold? ;
Though I've been there done that, & I really DO love,
How about you?
hE loves me he said. I say I do.
What do I mean, I do not know.
hE makes me happy, hE completes me,
hE knows what a woman wants, hE was a player.
hE makes me feel younger than hE is, hE makes me Alive,
hE understands, accepts & feels proud of who I am.
Though time here may loose the battle,
I wonder how important time actually is or ;
if love can be gathered?
I can't imagine anyone's bloody face !!!
After a while, I got up & continue walking. I paused every now & then to decide whether I should turn back or walk in a circle back home which; I never tried. Without reasons, I take the new route; leaving my original plan to walk back & have a chance to sit on every bench which; might sound silly but that's something I would do.
I walk with my head up the sky, eyes closed. I see 2 children on their tricycle, very happy & free; as if they were "flying" on their bikes across the field near the fence. It's like in my childhood times Enid Blyton's story book where I have to imagine, or maybe for now, in a movie where I get to see what I couldn't imagined. But here, it's just in front of my eyes. A boy & a girl cycling in the wind. I wonder what will they be when they grow up. (=
My long journey finally takes me back home. I blog from 6.30 p.m & now it's 4.13 a.m here. Well, of course, I cook, bath, chat & did some stuff in between.