Friday, February 2, 2007

The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS

The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS.

I reminisced myself with the past. The days when I self-proclaimed that I m a loner without friends & watching movies alone, eating at Mc Donalds where the feeling of a hundred & 1 thousand couples flocking the place like love birds vf pairs & pairs of sticky holding hands can b seen, the days when I carry tht big black bulky bag vf my lappy inside walking around the shoplots at ss2 searching for different places 2 go on9 eventhough my hostel; (or last time, proclaimed by me as "jail"), has internet connection.

When He is here, I don't watch ANY movies alone, neither do I EVER eat alone nor WALK alone. Everything I do, I have company; every minute, every second. That's what I want. Security. (Pussy Cat Doll's "Stick Wit U"? lol~) Well, it's not a force of desperation or lack of confidence or trust, it's the very "mau tun" feeling when U love some1, & after U manage 2 own them, U just~wanna~b~vf~them. Ya ya ya~ The "I miss U VERY much" feel larh, the "I need U" feel larh, the "addicted 2 U" feel larh, yes, yes~.. Name them all. But after U own them for quite SOME time, if U r not a "social kaki", U don't know Y & how it HAD bcm a routine & habit; U two just need & have 2 stick 2ghtr. Even when U r tired, or if U hv plans, why, the 2 will still ease & squeeze their way through 2 still try their best 2 do things 2ghtr. That's me; been there, done that. Though I dare say not EVERY couple is like that.

But that WAS when He WAS here. Now? Now I'm not like that anymore. I know another couple like that, & she is 1 of my bestest friend. (A cancer, again~!) I look at them & I c myself. It's sweet to c them so, but a pain 2 feel what they r going through. Bcz I've been there. Y is there a pain 2 c some1 loving & need each other, U might ask. 2 types of pain, I shall proclaim again; though my thoughts might vary 1 day.

1stly is the path U CAN'T escape anymore. U H.A.V.E-2-STICK-2GETHER. & this is very TIRING, but again, U CAN'T runaway. If the guy pulls back, the girl will be angry, "fatt xiu ceh phei hei", then the guy will be so "mau tun" again; because he loves her so much, the pujuk-ing has 2 go on, they finally made it 2ghtr, or if they dont the girl will still have 2 wait for the guy's business 2 b done & cm bk & both of them will appreciate each other more. Phew~ A routine. A "performance", Ray L will say. Y must this go on, & On, & ON again? I not doubtingly WISH I will NOT b like that when on the other hand, I wonder if leopards can ever change their spots from round to square, or maybe, a star?

2nd would be that what would be of U if he Leaves? That is enuf 2 describe pain the second.

I m now, not dependent. Cause all these years I've been trained to be in-dependent by him. As I have no choice, but to live alone. Well I still love to go on9 on places like Starbucks; where I open up my lappy clumsily, plugging in the adapter, etc, etc, having a VERY HARD time browsing through the menu making decision of what 2 order ( I DESPISE choosing!), & in the end never finish the coffee (or I'll get d-r-u-n-k! SERIOUSLY, me & coffee!) & my work. The work part... hieh hieh hieh~ U knw Y.. MSN la, Friendster la, check mail la, chat 7788, 1234 abc la... Nah, thats y~! HAHAHA!!! Getting all the fuss 5d parking, carry tht load of stuffsss oso nvr finish work. For what?! But who is it 2 b blame? Fine, I admit. I'm a loner. (NO CINDY! NOT AGAIN!) -______-""

A guy once told me, "if U r up vf ur Pe-rin-ceSS thing, I will just walk away & not pujuk U".


Well... hmmz... hE is different. From Him.

The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS.

I watched "The Guardian" not very long ago when Ashton Kutcher meet up in this quite random girl at the bar. Then the story flows. Of course, in a movie, it flows like warm melted chocolate, 2 melt the female creatures' heart. I admit, I was 1 of them. & I question again & again each time I come out from a movie like this, "Is there such beautiful coincidence?" But I haven't prove myself wrong or right from still dreaming on about the answer for this.

I read in CLEO, 17 or some female mags about "I stole my bestie's boyfriend" & all those lame headlines & find it ridiculous. It's so commercial & a way to cheat girls who has no place 2 spend those extra red agong notes 2 buy those mags, I thought. Till 1 point, I can see that the same headline re-appear again & again every 1 year. How lame~! Here, I question myself whether those stories are real. Or is it just another same old brand new mere triangle love story like a movie.

With Him, is only the beginning. U know not the character, only his name.
He is an extra, He left the film.
The story continues,
With another hiM.
hE comes in, always better than the first, or there's no point putting hiM in the story.
hE is the new character, the random one, the stranger, the alien.
The 1 black out of the whiteS,
Is not hiM,
But the girl,
The protagonis.
The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS.
U WILL eventually get to know more about hiM,
but maybe not She.
By "fate" they met.
B4 realizing another shE likes hE.
while He still likes Her.
(HAHAHAH! I know any1 who reads tis won't understand. Just b aware of the capitals laa..)
hE is an absolute stranger 2 Her,
& there comes in "The Guardian" cliche thiNg~ Which is where climax enters.
Mewt la, kiss la, fuck la, cry la, left la, bla, blaH, meet again la, or mayb in a book, 2 make the story longer, hE might do sthin wrong, & then She met a new 1 (who is of course better thn the 1st & 2nd again), & then till 1 point,
The Resolution.

Wassup? What?
Why la, why larh,..
STOP this la
I don't know what m I doing
Y do I do the things I do?
& did...
Everything around me is changing...
I am The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS.
I am afraid... but excited... happy... but guilty... bringing sad... where's my sexy back~?!
I am The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS.
Who are you, why are you here, how do I come to this, what I m seeing & feeling, where will you bring me, when will this end... new stranger.
The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS.
I m not me anymore; neither do I think nor worry,
about what & where is trust,

I am The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS.
& I am flying...
The 1 Black Out of the WhiteS.