lOOkin' back (8 March 2006)

lOOkin' back...

It seems funny yet sad when I look back on things I've done & gone through. Ironic. Love? I wonder if I even have a right to talk about that. What I've done, I wouldn't even want to know. I know I am running away, but I can't control it. Just can't. I'm so sorry to people I've hurt. But love is just something that can't be forced. What I've gone through... How I've been hurt, how many routes I've taken, they aren't many, but to me, it seems that been through once is enough, being hurt once or more is enough. Perhaps it's just fair. Or should I not be afraid to love and hurt again?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I look at pictures of my friends that I've long not contact. I see how they changed & how are they now. I realized most of them found their other half. The other they really love. How do they love? I don't even know how to subscribe. Maybe it's because it's really LOVE between them, that's why. I look at the pictures & realize how much I smile to myself. I am actually very glad for them. As to find & then found someone you really love is very, very hard. Imagine how big the world is, & all you want to find is the only ONE you LOVE. I knew their stories & how they met, & it just sound so sweet. Sweet.. sweet... I love this word. As I have no memories that are SWEET enough to be considered sweet & by seeing or listening how my friends go through things happily with their love ones makes me felt how sweet it feels. Imagine if it's them who feel it, wouldn't that be sweeter? :)

I have this friend, who admire this guy since high school for yearSsSs~! But he never show signs that he likes her as well. Everything ended & she found a new boyfriend & they last for yearSs. Suddenly, one day, out of a miracle, she realized she doesn't love him at all anymore. & after a few days, her old lost love came back to find her & confessed. They are together now.. very happy together... I was puzzled as there is still miracle like that. But I'm truely very happy for her, & for them. I saw my X who now has a girlfriend. Well, he loved one but failed so he find me back but I was clever enough to say no after being used as a replacement. So after that, he got back with HIS x & broke up again. Now he has a new one, which is the current. Well, his story might not be as SWEET, but looking at their pictures, the contented intimacy in their chemistry is just undeniable. Perhaps he, found his love already now.

Back to what's wrong with me. Hahah! What's wrong with me??? I don't know. OK, I've been running away. Perhaps it's time to be truthful to myself now. I... ehem... Well, I.. Kkk, I Hmm... I only wish to have found someone I really love. I don't know how, when, where or whatever it is, but I do wish to see that day comes by. I look at my friends & see that everyone has a love one. I am not jealous nor envy them. But smilling back at their pictures makes me wonder how is mine. I am not living to wait, but I'm lonely though... Love is always not there when you want to find it, & when you don't, it comes. But then, it might not be the right time then. Ironic? Heheh.. I wonder what would be like if I found someone who loves me AS MUCH AS I love him. What can I ask for more? That is really happiness & no one can describe or answer why. That priceless feeling is worth for me to wonder I suppose.. & to wait.. :) If I can, I really wish to meet someone romantic this time. I guess I really need surprises, short frequent calls & texts at times. A guy who send me songs instead of saying it all everytime, gives me a rose every occasion instead of a thousand 1 day in a year, a guy who can have fun, take funny shots, & love me for not my looks & not caring what other may think when we goof around. Someone who can wait for me to finish my class or work, & have already thought of where to take me to rest my mind somewhere... Oh gosh~ I've go on too much by now hadn't I? #^^#

It IS really hard to find someone you are willing to spend your lifetime or even your time now with. In other words, it's not easy to find someone you love who loves you. Did I say this many times before? I guess it's "many said this before" instead. Hahah! Well then, appreciate them once you found them. Sometimes... things like that is a 1 in a million thing. What about me? Hah.. I was just trying to say how glad I am for those who found who they love & how I wish I had 1 too at this lonely midnight. kekeke~! NBD. No Big Deal. *;D