Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Kisah 3 January.

3rd January 2008.

My feet finally touched down Malaysia. The air smelt so different. It's humid, it's tanah airku... it's home.

I was very happy. I ran out of The Curve. My phone in my sweaty hands, pounding was my steady heart. My eyes wouldn't even blink for a second; not until I found you. I could never forget that kind of sweet excitement. It's like a date to see your first love. Exactly.

I could list down the dates and every thing you said, but because they weren't lies but sad promises; now I couldn't tell a complete story.

"Today is the 1st day we meet in Malaysia!!"
"Today our hearts nudge each other..."
"Today, is us."

When sometimes death sets (sick) people free, some deaths just lock you up in the coffin of your heart. No matter how you struggle, you feel like a corpse with a soul, buried alive, trying to break loose from the pressured ground. This is called the "Buried Alive" concept. Until today, I'm still waiting for someone to notice me, dig me out, save my soul. Hello?

3rd January 2009.

it was exactly a year ago.
it has been a year.
a year, my dear.

365 days ago was the 1st day we met in Malaysia. Today is the 1st day we meet again in Malaysia, after 365 days ago.
365 days ago our hearts nudged each other. Today, only my heart is nudged by you, after 365 days ago.
365 days ago, was us. Today, its me without you, after 365 days ago.

3rd January 2009. This significant date is my best friend's birthday. She studies and works overseas, but her thematic birthday bashes are done annually here in Malaysia. It was only 3 days ago when I realized we had only know each other for 2 years but trust me; it feels like it had been 2 decades.

Airene brings joy to me. She listens to my never-once-a-happy-ending-fairy tales, shares her inspiring thoughts and experiences, even cook and take very good care of me. She sets my eyes on the top of great mountains each time I replay my sadistic tales from different point of views. Every second spent with her I never forget to breathe. I feel revitalized, rejuvenated.

Airene is the grave-digger; the only one who makes me crawls out from under. Can you believe me? She is better than a sister! I would love to call her my Fairy Godmother. Every year, she brings me closer to him. And the funny thing is, she never notices it.


It was the very same day and month of this lovely season, only difference is the year. I've been secretly sitting on my bed every night since Christmas hoping, wishing upon stars outside my window panes, and praying hard that I could manage to catch a glimpse of him; even if it's only in my dreams.

I would love to cry myself to sleep but the image of the hamster's eyes in the movie "Bedtime Stories" makes me rather not. Just incase my wish is granted, the last thing I want is to look fugly.


It seldom rains on Saturday mornings in Malaysia. Not that I know of. But on this 3rd of January, it poured hard. I could even hear the heavy shower from inside the mall. I was walking as usual with my eyes locked in their sockets, looking ahead as I transported myself from one wing to another.

I am not an observant person. I don't look at people, but I do notice from the corner of my eyes that people are constantly staring at me. Probably it's the way I dress. What The Hell.

In a split second when I LEAST expected, both my eyes (not even just the corners) caught his 183cm tall, build-up body frame fitted perfectly, casually in style (or in style casually; it works both ways for him) - in a plain navy blue T-shirt and black 3 quarter pants. This man took my breath away, and all the remaining breath in me with him.

On his left hand he held an ultra thin sleek cellphone the TJ way. It used to be HTC; which was the ACTUAL reason why I got myself a PDA after he left to Australia.

His hair hasn't changed much since the last time we went to cut it together at the twin towers... Now as I write this I surprise myself. That I noticed every single thing of TJ, even montages of flashbacks aged 365 days ago.

He walked very fast, as if he was rushing off somewhere. Forcing my brain to regain back my consciousness a.s.a.p, I turned back to call his name. Strangely the ally looked even narrower than ever and people seemed to create new waves of walking patterns to retrace every steps he took; but in an opposite direction.

"Why, what happened?!" he asked, sounding a bit worried.
"Oh... Nothing. It's just my ex-boyfriend. Let's go."
"Don't you want to go say Hi?"

I don't know if he meant the words he uttered, but I could clearly remember I said "No." I looked back at my Past. The short distance between us felt like a year apart and the gap could only grow wider. I could still see a piece of his navy blue T-shirt. I knew I could get a hold of him if I wanted to, he was right in front of me. Hasn't God granted my wish; what was I doing with it???

Truth to be told, I love this man so much. So much I don't mind just being able to only see him face-to-face for one five seconds, say "Hi" and goodbye with a simple hug. It really doesn't matter if I can't own him, it really. doesn't. matter.

But I know this egoistic rich young man too well. After all, we were in a small capsule of time together. TJ might have noticed me from afar, and that's why he took out his phone; pretending to be rushing off somewhere. In other words, One Utama won't go anywhere. If I were to still act lame and called out to him like an unwanted child abandoned by her father in such a scenic way at public, I would be the only one who gets the shame... because he is NOT my father. He was my lover.

3rd January 2010.

The past 2 years had leave me with the benefits of doubts. 730 days is not 365 days ago. It is not today, not yesteryear, not tomorrow. Even magic can't fix this broken thread now.

As I fade in you... You remain with me.