a qualm conscience

just finished watching Amelie. was browsing through Facebook and saw a new album of pictures somewhere. its about Ain's birthday party.

Ain's birthday is on the 14th of November. mine? 21st. i couldnt be bothered to count how long had it passed, but i know it'd been some time; knowing that its the Sagittariuses' month already.

Ain's back to Malaysia with her family. boyfriend. friends. Tracy's back to Sri Langka after watching Justin Timberlake's concert at Melbourne. and me? i've done nothing much except for experiencing this cessation of waiting. with no one. void and godforsaken.

rotating back to the photo album, its a surprise birthday party for Ain as she didnt get to celebrate hers at our own tanah air. i cluelessly know not why i almost teared browsing that album. i guess i was touched. i'd become a cry baby lately. a stupid pie. know not why.

and i wonder if i'll have my 21st birthday party RE-celebrate when i get back. but i truly know that none of my friends are sincere enough. they are either everywhere, or anywhere. and i dont wanna care if no one even knows where i am.

i have a few true friends; but each time i found one, she would have to leave to another state or country. then my hunt begins again to search for a new best friend. the most recent bestie i found would be Airene. but no doubt; i can already see the future. our young, busy lives will just make time pass away so quickly; just so that we don't see how fast time is flying. she is gonna be at Australia, while i, at anywhere but Australia.

my parents... i dont know. my family, even worse. my DAD's side. worse than you could EVER imagined. none of them even know my age i guess. sad? you do the justice.

oh well, just a rambling. if i say i dont care, it means i'm lying or i wont be doing this. but if i say i do, i dont see whats the point.

i love you, crank.