Nullity

i can feel the story fading in and out every now and then. it's like a rusty train running on a railway track from the 19th century barbarously passing through my life; once in a while. i feel it since i was a child. a child, i once remember... very sweet. innocent, pure. when you don't have to make any choices. choices are hard to make, you know? sometimes you wonder and worry whether you'll regret, or what if . what if, you took the other road. but my friend once told me that when you have made up your mind, you will eventually find a way out. definitely. so, there is no need to worry! how much do you agree on that?

i actually think that you are too injudicious to think.

or even to read.

i looked into the mirror to see how large my pores have become after enduring and tolerating the hassles and persevering life of this little city. it has become a daily thing; looking out the window of the metro buses, listening to your iPod... wondering about nothing. what if it's a few years back. wayyyyy back when mp3s don't exist. i don't know about you, but i still feel the same. but i don't wonder. i'm just stuck. stuck in between both worlds... of you, and me.

i only know that you DO exist. that's all i know about you. and i'm looking for you... and waiting. a perquisition. a journey, to your heart.

i think i am too different from all of you. far cry, otherwise, incommensurable. you may think i am like some of the "Aquarians" who loves to think they are special, or different. not that its a baddd thing~ but i, am

not

that.

i'm just really weird.

speaking about mirrors as i did, i have a question for you. why do some people stick their black heads or white heads or whatever it is from their face, or maybe even pimple juice!!! on the mirror?! i find that very, VERY disgusting INDEED. but, what is the reason behind all this that people do such a thinggg? are they actually PROUD of their big pores, or what??? cuz i am not really happy with mine~.

i watched a movie a moment ago and it made me cry. not manyy movies make me cry, you see. but The Notebook is just..... Sensational.

Sensational. i wonder if i can ever BE sensational. i actually think i AM, a sensational person. but somehow there comes this drive that pulls me away every now and then; just like that old rusty train!, or simply like the music next door, and from another door, and another; all into one fuss i couldnt understand why people do the things they do.

this evening when the statuesque sun was setting, i was chattering away with a friend of mine about this..... this, crazzzyyY thing call love! and... and there were these two guys listening, and giggling. every. now. and. then. i dont get that either; because there wasnt any sense of humor in what i uttered. so i gave it another chance and the same, goddamn thing happened AGAIN. i stopped talking.

what is this suppose to mean?

at other times, in whatever i do, i see an "angel" looking at me ALL. THE. TIME. was it an angel, or a devil in disguise; cause i KNOW it when you are looking at ME~~~! i am scared, but i know it's just YOU. and i saw you giggling, and giggling, and starring into his eyes. THATTT look. thattt face. fuck~ i just wanna leave this place. can i~???

i've been in love before. real love. it's so real i know it is! so many times- loved, and kissed. how many hugs i've received. but still, i don't feel lucky. i've never made love. or maybe you can say i am lucky because i never; but sometimes i really do wish i can just leaveeeee this cruel world behind. stop worrying about my future or what goddamnn place it leads me. not married to a fucking rich old asshole and become a datin either, but something more than that, more to life.

that genuine, pure, glowing... magic... furball? what is IT! i can see how it brings me happiness...

i see myself holding you; my head on your cold, hard chest; warmed by the beat of your heart, and your love for me. i feel the tender scalp of your head as my fingers run through your long, soft hair. your body. my body. the glass doors. the pouring rain. aqua?

but its all destroyed. demolished. that face with echoes of giggles, the time capsule in my iPod tearing two worlds apart, the traces of this movie i savored once...

but i love you, and i will always be looking for you - my one and only weird, weird, friend i'll keep. forever.