Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Bits of You , They Bit My Brain , Bit by Bit .

the sun who coevals once a week shows up today , but i am too lazy to do my increasing laundry .

my desk is such a mess , but i rather see that as art .

my eyes they are now red and sore again ; i know i might get blind this time , but i couldn't be bothered to see my optometrist .

i tried .

i bought a bus ticket to the city to shop , only to see myself in the bus again half an hour later .

i felt so sleepy , but ended up tossing in my bed which never felt so small and oppressive before .

i tried singing my heart out , only to realize i was crying .

maybe i need to go home .

i spent over 5000 ringgit for bracing my teeth , my plastic retainer broke 3 months ago and now my teeth they are like before .

my fading cream depleted 5 months ago , i couldn't get them here and my scars they can't go away for summer bikinis .

my hair had grown so long they feel limp , and there are no hairdressers around i trust to do something good about it .

i am so torn .

i wanted to change myself and stop cursing , fuck that .

there is a rehearsal tonight for that stupid play , fuck that .

i need to do my bloody 300 crunches , fuck that .

i can only fucking eat 5 m&m s a day , fuck that - i ate 50 .

if there is leehom's concert here tonight , i'd rather stay at home .

there is no where i wanna be , there is no place for me . my home feels too safe , and this house is not mine . if his arms is not where i belong , then where should i be ? if your arms is where i should be , then why don't you belong to me ?

i guess i've been trying too hard to be someone who is not genuinely me . i had lost my voice , because they say i don't know how to speak . you kept trying to change the way i breathe , and never stopped preaching that my voice box is under my belly . i talked to myself and listened to my melody , but the recordings proved no one right . how can someone be someone when she could neither breathe nor speak ?

or perhaps i am demanding too much from myself ; too much of a perfectionist . the space too wide to improve , too little time given , because too little time is left . ten years ago , i knew what i want . ten years from ten years ago , what i want never changed . ten years from ten years from ten years ago , will i be holding on to what i want for a decade ?

or maybe i'm just a dreamer . i know i'm not a lucky person . or maybe ... a perfectionist is always just a dreamer , when you don't have money ?

my eyes they feel very sore . my mind congested , my heart feels too heavy to beat . i'm worn out . worn out .

crumbling into your favorite scintilla