Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Yellow Room

The Yellow Room

Life is hard. I never say it is easy. Never had I ever heard it was. It's complicated.
U wake up 1 day, U feel so good. U wake up the other day, U feel like shit.
But day by day passes, & we'r still living.
A good day, a bad day, it's still a day.
I've heard many times that quote, & that we'd better choose 2 b happy, but is it that easy?
It might b 4 guys, bt mayb 4 girls, ya knw.. PMS, emotional moods, sensitivity??? I don't know.

I did not come along to only realize now that life is hard or how hard it is. But I came to recognize that this is the hardest point in my life for me. Right now.
It's many things 2 begin with actually. I didn't know how to start.
Well, whenever I try to speak, I felt no 1 can hear me. I talk, I scream, I shout, I plead. But who is that who listens, I can NEVER name a name.
People do listen. People did listen. But that's all they do. Well, I didn't mean 2 expect sthin from U aft hearing, but its... no 1 is "there". Everything said & "shared?" just dissapears in the air. Surprisingly, rhymes quite a bit, doesn't it?
Yea, I know every1 has their own troubles & even I can't bother 2 bother about people's trouble as well. So I blame no 1, ya know.

I question about many things out of my curiosity & naiveness b4 & now. I've been taught not to ask 2 much by elder people or I'll look like a retard, don't ask so many questions or I would sound more like a crow by men, or don't "act" so naive by friends. *laughs*
Act naive. ?
I question again.
I wonder Y in the world m I so naive. Many factors U can say.
Most "clever" chinese school students might say it's bcuz I cm frm a Malay school. That's y. Well, I can accept that. Chinese r so, SO clever, quick, good at Maths, brilliant, sly, hardworking... the list goes on. So the conclusion is; my brain was trained in a more slower pace & my eyes had seen less. I could say I'm glad I'm not sly at the end of the day, but the world has taught me that sly people wins.
I was born quite naive. I was never shaped by my parents nor my friends to be "licik" in life, plus my principles r strong & that's not I really 1 2 b. I admit I have traits of a Scorpio like jealousy, "ingat dendam", bla bla, but there is part of me that is a piece of its own & will never change; my naiveness that will never b fulfilled or packed with answers. I don't think I'm weird cuz no 1 can ever finish learning everything in the world.

Back to Y is now the hardest point in my life.
Sadly, it's about me, my race, my religion, my ethnicity. This is not as serious as it sounds actually. I don't know mandarin, & I can't be in my dream. Just that. Sounds small, but small things r big.
P/S: Remember males. Girls r not making small things big cuz small things R big things on its own but U'r just 2 blind & "log" 2 c.
Once upon a time...
I entered Sunway University College's Performing Arts course. I chose a route only 4 people from the whole Malaysia choose to take at Sept 2004. We can b said as the 1st batch, or super seniors now. We had been the trial, the experimental "things" they used, OK, not so bad then- we r the heroes. I couldn't say I did not learn anything as I improved. But I couldn't say I learn much as everything is not completed. & they LEFT...
I am struggling.
Striving to live
In this test.
To breathe in just a sip of air.
I did it!
& I puke.
I vomited out the air.
"gt ot... et ut... get out... Get Out... GET OUT!!!"
All of them!
My stomach is upside down.
My head is spinning around~ I can't stand it! It felts as if I just came down from 10 roller-coaster rides. I knock it on the wall.
knock, knock, knock.
Did U feel it?
I turn myself around. Clockwise. No! Anti-clockwise. Yes? No! Clockwise? I'm confuse!
spin nips spin nips
I fall on the wooden plank floor.
My head breaks into two.
Whisper vf me; drain out my brain. Drain out my brain.. Drain Out My Brain...
It is black; 2 much pressure.
Every thread looks like over-dried worms under the sun.
The bright yellow room is blinding me! My eyes r painful! They r too bright! The walls r moving towards me.
North! South! East! West!
The bricks r falling!
I'm flat.
Can U see me?
Look at me.
I'm flat.
I'm smilling. he he ha ha ha... he he ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Ha~~~
Something's wet.
Eyes? No?
My face!
I felt it on my face before my eyes! I don't even know I'm crying!
Me? Crying? Me? Cindy? Is it me? Or was it U? Oh I know it's U! Stop hiding! It's ur tears.
So precious...
Let me repeat it again.
They r YOUR tears...
I touch it on my cheeks. I caress every crystal drops.
I won't break them! I promise! Believe me!
My index finger, moving...
OoOoHhhhH~ it's there.. almost there...
*PinG* *pIANg*
Sorry!!! I didn't mean to. I'm sorry... Forgive me, please. I won't, won't do that again. Will U still trust me?
U still alive! Yeah! Let me touch U.
Ur skin... I rmbr it's rough. Y now its so smooth, translucent, transparent, like the air!
Y r U so quiet? Say something.
*Tick Tock Tick Tock.. tick tick tick*
There's no time left?!!
it's me...
m fading...
I m...
It's not so hard 2 say after all.
U left me but I left U.

I asked the same question to my people I knw again & again. M I on the right path? Or should I study law?
"LAW???" Was the reply.
Ok, I get it. "Fine. 4get it. I'll continue with Performing Arts." I said 'proudly'.
Diploma is on my way. I'm gonna getchu good! WooHoo! vOOdOO!
After this, what? Law or degree? Tasmania? TASMANIA! U'r kidding me! It's 4 theater lovers! U love film, Cindy! So what, law? LAW? It takes U 4 years honey! -.-"
2 roads diverge in a wood, which 1 shall I take? I can never come back to the 2nd 1, will I ever regret it?
I need not say or blah about Y tis route might not b 4 me. It IS in my previous blog. The question is, should I change? Or should I continue with a different heart & a refreshed mind? I doubt, yet hardly doubt.

I heard a beep in my ear. Just right inside my ear. On the right spot, not the right time.
It hurts gradually.
I turn my head around. What is that sound?
Let me die some where & rott away~!

What a bad number~
Oh, U dont knw what it is! It's our performance last night.

He cried.
For her he cried. For him I die
I smile.
We smile.
We learn.
There's nothing to die for

I can't take this anymore!!! I'm so tire. I'm too eXhausted.
Must I preech about Y every1 of U should let me go? I preeched it b4 so, no.
I know no 1's gonna hear it anyway.
Any1 I know?
Answer me?
Mum? Dad? Bro? U there?
Cousin? Sheau Torng, at least?
It's me!
Do U rmbr me???
Kok Hao? Gill? Gilly boy~
Don't give up. There must b some1 out thr.
My friends? Any friends?
My stormy weather became fair weather friends...
My seasonal friends! Yes!
Ley Eng? Yaw Mei? Xuan Hong? Boon Seng? Chok Yi? Chen Hui? Tzong Syh? Kang Wee? Teck Hui?
Leet? Darren? Neo?
Joy? Helen? Ain? Eri? Ruby? Sunitha?
To U all whom I did not call ur names... I didn't have the courage to.
Don't get me wrong.

I breathe.
I'm alive.