Rotten Egg (9 Oct 2005)

Rotten Egg

Hmmz... my mood level returns to "Good" back, finally! Haihz... wonder y since 2 days ago my mood was really, really as BAD as rotten egg! Imagine the green gas coming out from the black egg when u watch cartoons! Ewww~ *;p
Well, it was OK that Sat but when evening comes... I really 1 2 buRST! Like a hOt air ballOOn which is forced 2 tk in more hOt hydrOgen in it's stomach. I was aware of that, (my crazy moody that day) but thinking bout y makes me even woRST! So many thingS r goin around my mind... I mean... all complicated things which seems like nvr will have a solution to it.
If I were 2 describe my feelings that day...
My boyfriend, who IS my "boyfriend" but is NVR here when I need him or love because he is at USA, (he might think I m not understanding but how many out of 10 girls can stand that?!) called me & we crapped. I was in a rOtten egg mOOd & crapping makes me 1 2 scold somebody, which turns out to be him of course. I managed to control, but I told him I wanted 2 END da call b4 I Xplode. The conflict is vf myself, I suppose... I m in a bad mood but he is da victim! Poor old thing. But he reminds me of how "boyfriendLESS" I m when I actually hv 1! Don't U think I m better off alone vf my freedom then???!!! We r young we r free, the world is so big & waiting 4 us 2 explore~ Diff say if he can really b here AND can really make me love him ALL da time.
Then, my 1st love called me (as he promised in da morning) & my previous chat had spoilt my mood 2 even talk or laugh in the chat. My mind was blank & made me even MORE frusturated bcuz mayb the waiting-4-his-call process IS the factor tht made me screw up, & now tht the time finally comes, I can't even speak! Shitz, man! We had quite a dead conversation & when he the call ended... I was like, "WHAT THE HELL M I THINKING? HE CALLED!!!" Too late, duhz~
Then, I felt guilty 4 my "bf" who never seem 2 b mine after all. But at least I was clear enuf that even if I blame myself, there's no point as I didn't tell myself to b Xcited bout d call anyway. I m not even aware of that! Don't b silly, I don't blif his heart wont b beating faster than the normal rate if his X ever call him just 4 a "friendly talk", unless he is not human, or a tin-man. Mayb I should send him to the Wizard of Oz then to get a heart! HaHa!
At the same time, I don't know y do I played a song titled "Return to the Past" by Jay. "..wish 2 return to the past, bcuz I want to continue the story, at least I won't let U leave me this time, I'll take note if U 1 2 go, so I'll hug U thighter.. but when I realized, loneliness had surrounded me." Shitz~! Every single word fits in directly like a puzzle into my story vf my 1st love! Wth~ Does tht mean I love 2 ppl at the same time? I suppose, no. I felt like I m beTTer oFF ALONE this time. No 1 can let me believe that "Love Is Eternal" yet. If 1 can mk me feel so, mayb then he is the 1 I'll love till d end even if I love him more thn he does. So what if a guy le me feel that he is the 1 I would marry? Fuck off~ Marry doesn't mean that love can last forever.
I watched & listened to many stories bout eternity love. I adore & admire them. I love those stories & fairy tales. I wish I had my own story like that, with a very happy ending. But y I hear ppl telling me fairy tales r lies & that "eternal" is just a myth? I m stuck & confused. I think I don't even know myself. Everything is a contradictory fact 2 me. I could have write another blog about this~
I'll go 2 Korea this 19th to 25th Oct 05. So happy. I know I'm goin vf some women & men vf their babies & no one my age, but at least I can release myself 4 a vacation vf my family. But, the prob is my stupid mid-term will most probably meet vf that particular day! Shitz~ I'l hv 2 talk 2 my idiot lecturers about tht & I would get fuck up by them! I m so sure as all of us got that b4. That is what made my mood bad as well even now! U knw, small things can gv a very big & deep impact to my emotions, feelings, & moods! I hate that actually, but born vf it so I wld hv 2 live vf it.
Hmmm... talking about love... I m really confused. U might think, "what is so difficult 2 u? Tk it easy~!" Well, 2 me, that's bullshit cuz I tried 2 but tht is like runaway 4 me. I don't now who I love. Loving my "bf", I feel our love is lesser & lesser AND, it's FADING. 2 me, he is just running away because he scare 2 know that as he always says that he love me 4ever. So what? Love is suppose 2 b a 2 sided thing. If I say I still love my 1st love, that can b true. But I m clear now that we won't have an ending anyway & I suppose he thinks that we r better off this way in a weird but special relationship. Fuck that~ All these ppl r driving me crazy! I 1 2 think 4 myself, not bcuz I m selfish, bt thinkin of thm doesn't gv any benefits 2 me. That's OK, but thy screw me up! My parents says that I m young & thy think I m happy vf my life here bcuz I m always "hehe haha" at home. Well, thy hv a point anyway eventough I'm not happy. Bcuz I m really still young & SUPPOSE 2 B HAPPY, shouldn't I?
People, including the 2 I mentioned above, would probably think that I m a crazy girl. Cuz, I can say & really mean tis now, but it may turn out the opposite 2mrw. I dont think its bcuz I m a weirdo. It's bcuz facing the truth hurts 2 much & I rather b happy vf any 1 of them whenever I can. I just wanted 2 b happy... I m still learning as well, "not a girl, not yet a woman". Mayb thts y I hv so many unanswered questions. I m staying at 21st floor of the condominium. I drew open all the curtains & realized the city is so big. The world is bigger. (Duh) But I m sitting here blogging & doin nothing while the world is waiting 4 me 2 explore & "Do Something"! Ever felt the same way? Hmmm...
Stimes I think I m useless. I look at cars on the street & I wish I can go out & have fun like other people. But when I can do so, I felt lazy, (thinking of the jam, no parking, stories that mum & dad scares me frm the newspaper) Shitz~ But I think BEST friendS are very important. Not 1, but at least a few. I realized that everytime I have the chance to go out vf my BEST friends frm my hometown, whn I can B MYSELF, laugh & talk as loud as I can anywhere, I m VERY HAPPY! Where the place is doesn't matter. I wonder y some girls prefer a boyfriend & that only boyfriends can mk thm happy. My mum said sthin tht really mk sense; there'r many loves i the world; parents' love, friends' love, love 4 ur pets, etc. I think last time b4 that "some1" goes bk 2 US, he made me happy, but it's diff frm goin out vf a bunch of good old pals! Goin out vf ur' 1st love is exciting, special, like a dream, but the tense in it cant b fun 2 u 4ever. But I don't have frenz... I mean, I have them, of course, but not GOOD ones... I miss my best friendS a lot... *=( But we can hardly meet cuz thy hv their own life & I hv mine. So, I m better off alone again... haihz~
IF... IF I can goof around vf my best friends everyday, I will be happy. They make me laugh & allow me 2 b myself. If I live vf my brother, I will be happy. He is the only one who allows me to laugh & laugh vf me at other ppl. If I can see the 1 I like or love, eventough not everyday, I will be happy. Because those will remain as sweet memories. If my coursemates can b my friends... I will be happy. Cuz I have friends then. Shouldn't b MY problem, cuz if it's so, I wouldn't have frenz at all.
Haihz~ Dono... I m blurr.. Stop here. Cont next time... Silly ending... kekeke! *;P