My "Final Fantasy" (17 Sept 2005)

My "Final Fantasy".

I once loved U.

No. I love you. I know now you don’t. But please don’t go away. Let me finish what I say. These years I’ve been running away.

I can't remember how it all started, I guess. Why would I have loved you? I love you even before I know you. I felt your presence lingering around me; the chemistry of your soul, the rhythm of your heart beat, sounds so soft and steady in my eardrums and I can feel it beating in my heart. You make my nerves shiver in excitement. I wonder what it is, and soon I found out, it was you. Just a glance from your beautiful eyes, a small move towards me touches my heart and my soul, blood rushes through my veins. I wonder why my heart pounds so fast. I am trembling and intimidated, but excited & contented. I guess I have a crush on you, but I'm afraid to know that it's true, or whether you feel the way that I do. You seduce me more & more, but never get close to know me, you make me hate you, but that's how I love you. We are searching for each other, finding every opportunity in every second, every day, to take a glance of each other. I wonder how our eyes can speak without words. The way you look at me, awakes me from my nightmares. The way you move to me, gives a rebirth to my life. I hope I can get near you, but I was afraid.

A month passed by, and I am still searching for you. High school life has never been so dull except for every recess and time to go home. Those periods, my eyes will be as wild as a hungry beast trying to search for its prey. I only wanted to see you. Talking and laughing with your friends in your neat white uniform. 16th May 2003, the time finally comes. We found each other. Do you remember how? Do you remember when? I can still remember clearly. You gave me the sweetest smile I'd ever seen, you 'sang' to me the most wonderful voice and melody I’d ever heard, you gave me the most precious treasure I would never found. It was you and I know everything about you, just like that.

Days passed by... I tried searching for you again, but I can’t see you searching for me. Why? I thought we were friends? On an exam week, we bumped into each other. I was so happy you actually remember me. Hah, I know you would. Well, we finally exchanged number. I felt as though I found a piece of gold. Ha Ha Ha! I know you can’t runaway this time; because every time I lost or miss you, I can just text you. Even if I don’t dare to do so, just looking at your name in my Nokia’s phonebook makes me give the widest smile to anyone. But why, why each time we give something, we have to leave? Why can't we give, and take? I lost you again because I’m too sensitive, but… I can’t become myself anymore because I liked you so much. I mean… SO, SO much. Yong Xien, Yong Xien, Yong Xien. I wanted to tell you this. But I just don’t have the guts to do so.

One lonely and silent night, I called you. I don’t know where the voices came from. I lied. I pretend that I wanted to ask you stuff about exam papers. I daren’t even breathe when I talk to you. I kept holding back my breathe when I wanted breath out. I almost choke at times. My God, you then asked me out on a festival at my place! I thought I was dreaming! That night, in my room, I was smiling to myself in the mirror and dancing all around my room. I can’t even sleep! I look at the calendar five times a day. Ok, so the day that I’ve waited for like a thousand years finally came. We went out on our first date. My first date in my life is with you. I was glad you gave me a chance. Laugh out loud! My town is so small and it sucks! But that night, I felt that it’s as beautiful as heaven for the first time. And I never get to feel that again each time I’m home. Under the moon light, you told me I'm beautiful. A single praise from you is never like a thousand praises I get from everyone. Till now, I can still spell out every word you said to me. I know you more, and I love you more. You did not feel what I felt, do you? I felt as though my heart is blooming, so colorful into a field of flowers. That's when I lost you again, my 'First Love'.

We tried. U gave, I take, & I gave back. But we loose it all once again. The rituals repeat, repeat, & repeat. But we can never find back our path. I thought you are the one. You made me feel that way. But I realized now that you can never be the one. Even tough we had just found 'Our Song'.

Once on a sunny year, you sent me a letter. You gave me your blessings and wish me all the best. I am weak, so weak. Can’t you see what are you doing to me? The more you give and take the more heartbroken I become because you are not mine. But for you, I gather up all my courage. I don't want to give up. I tried to fight fate. I don’t know what sin is anymore. I break the rules God created, just because I love U. I pray and wish upon a star every night. I tried to believe in Fairy Tales. I beg God to have you back in my life.

Well, I did win God at last. Everything falls back to its own path. We gained our love. I knew that our love is strong and that God is NOT the one who draws our future, but us, and our love. But SHIT, God! I’m so gonna fuck you up! Why am I wrong again?! Your love towards me is never ever stronger than mine. When did you ever treat me good? No, you never. How did you show your love and affection to me? No, you did not. Are you as tall and good looking as anyone else I know? No, you don’t. But no matter how wrong you are or how deeply you slice my heart, you always managed to make me feel sorry, guilty. Maybe I love you too much. Now I believe love is blind. Again, I am sorry. My weakness made it rain and caused you so much pain. When family comes, we lost is all again. ALL again. But they are my family. I am torn apart. You gave up on me at last. I am guilty.

Years passed. We are still friends till now. You wanted someone to accompany you through your troubles. Not wanting to say what & why. I am glad I'm the one you chose, and trust. But I know I can never enter your world. Never again. Not anymore. Only now, you told me I'm too good. Too good for you and that's why we can't be together. Treating you good, treating you bad. Neither one is right. Either one is wrong. Now I know you found someone new. But I know I can't even share your happiness with you. I can just hide behind myself, and give you all my wishes. Yong Xien, thanks for teaching me to be strong. I know life still has to go on. But deep in my heart, I’ll always love you, you, and only you. Please forgive me. I just can’t stop loving you.