Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Awareness : You Don't Know Me

"Why, what happened?"
"Nothing? Really? Really nothing?"
"No. There must be something."
"Nothing, I said, nothing!"
"I don't trust you. There must be SOMEthing."


Celestine buries her head under her pink pillows. There are 2 big pillows, 1 small one & a bolster, a pink pig, Patrick & Spongebob which; is the only odd one in yellow. She tries to breathe with her nose under Miss Long-Mouth-Pig & almost suffocate but still, refuses to tilt up her head. Sharonz looks at her for a while from her bed.

"There MUST be something."

Celestine knows there IS something, but she doesn't feel like saying anything. It is not something anyone could understand, cause she, herself couldn't which; is why she stresses up herself. The truth is, she watched One Tree Hill and being an extra-emotional girl, she was influenced by the story of the other world across the TV screen. Thoughts ran through her mind, she sleeps.

The next day...

"I don't know. Look, I mean, geezzz! I don't know how to put this! I'm just so sick of..."
"Relax, relax. Chill!"
"Chill. Yes, chill." Pause. "You know, its like... I see things around me everywhere, but nothing seems to be the same. You know what I mean? No, you won't know what I meant!"
"Just say it!"
"I watched One Tree Hill, & you know Lucas? & is it Brooke? His girlfriend?"
"Yah, I think so."
"Yah, & so... it's just... they are so loving! Ok, I know its only a TV show, but it's true. I mean, I know people like that, you know? I go to malls everyday these days & I see most of them are couples. I'm jealous, but I'm glad they have someone with them. It's so unfair! How bout me? Where & what's MY choice?"
"I see..."
"I felt they, everyone had something me & him... don't own... something basic, common, simple... but... What is it...?"

She can't go on anymore. She knows that no one can get the message she wants to send accross. Its what's running in her head.


"It's me. I'm too blurr. I'm SO blurr, so bloody BLURR."
"Don't say that."
"Is it HE who is not romantic or it is ME who is so blurr I don't see anything?! Well to me I'm pretty sure there's something short of in him... It's UNexplainable. He is perfect... but no! He is an idiot in love. How can I blame him? He's a Capricon. Ok, maybe an Aquarious. Whatever~ Does that matter? It's not my fault~!"
"Well, it's like that. You have to accept things & him for who he is."
"You see, I know you won't know. It's not that I want to claim that I am special, but I am really different from others. All Scorpios are, only special in different things. OK, I am a total romanticsm person, I believe I was reborn from that era. I know it sounds ridiculous but let's put it this way. If this were true, that means it's not wrong for me to ask for more than just mere romantic stuff to happen!"
"But in real life... its hard to happen. But I KNOW what you MEAN. Guys are like that."

In her heart, she sees the same thing her friend undergoes but she just didn't take it seriously. Different girls different emphasises, she thinks. Pieces. Tim is a Pieces! She wonders where is blurr Tim, maybe too romantic he blurrs himself and got lost.

The scene of the kids going into the forest house in One Tree Hill plays in her mind. The group of friends; consists of couples of lovers, how colourful is life like that. You study, you go on vacation, you learn life & love, isn't that the way how its suppose to be at this age? She knows she's going overseas to study very soon. Excited but scared, the general feeling, she claimed to me.

Another day...

"I know it's him, but I don't know it's him."
Sharonz looks at her, puzzled.
"You're really crazy."
"What are you saying?"
"OK, well..."

She doubts again. It happens everytime. Each time he holds her hands, she felt "he's the one...". The feeling was so right, their hands felt as it they were made from above to be moulded together this way. Even now that she can't touch them anymore, looking at the picture, she feels it in her hands. She misses those warm, secured, firm hands of his. No one gave her this feeling before; all lack of "security".

"I am afraid... Because I NEED, I'm desperate, I YERN for someone romantic. I can't do it..."
Sharonz thinks.
Celestine continues.
"I really can't do it. I know I can, but for how long? I know, everyone is telling me to accept, Accept, ACCEPT. I AM doing that accepting thing right now. I'm not thinking to much about it, because I know it's just him being him, & I love him for him; or at least I should. I should understand his background, am I right? But the point now is not about that, it's about I'm AFRAID, Sharonz."
"I know, but what can you do about it? What happens, happens! It's not something you can control~! Its not in your hands then if something may not come your way since you two had & are trying your best."
"But I don't want that to happen! Though... sometimes I feel he's "the-one" when he holds my hand but yet, not the exact one I want. Why is this feeling haunting me, this feeling that something, maybe someone is awaiting me? Am I thinking too much?"
"Yes, you are."
"What if it happens? What if I go overseas which; is really SOON, & I found someone I dream of all this time, & its not HIM! ): You know, the island I'm going to is so beautiful, calm, & so 'me'! You know who I am, I'll fall in love & I love faLLing in lOVe, & I want to be happy, there! What if it happens?!"
"I told you what will happen! OK, then it's too bad. Both of you have no fate. I think he should be clear about this too. All along this is how your relationship has been & till now, how far can it go? Can anyone see? No one could, you know. But isn't it a lil' obvious its not that easy & as you said, he has his ways of protecting himself. You do what you want to do & let things be the way they are."
"But I love him. I miss him! It's a promise. A promise... it's not only for us, it's also for me... for me..."
"Sometimes things won't go the way you want it, Celes."
Launcheston, Tasmania
Celestine listens & thinks. Her ears were doing all the listening work, but in her mind, puzzled. She felt the urge to post their pictures, & even worst, his solo pictures on the web for everyone to see. She is proud of him, not because of anything he is, but because "Hey, he's my boyfriend! & I'm happy!". She is so naive she thinks everyone is like that. She doesn't want to mention it, but did anyway.

Later's later...

"Do you think he feels the same way that I do? Why didn't he post MY picture in his web? I felt like doing so SO much, but I did things first before he does... Isn't he proud of me? I thought all along I deserve someone better than he is but I don't mind, you know. But this kinda thing, I know Sharonz, you will say I'm so free I find things to argue about, but it's not about that."
"I know, I know. I really know what you mean. I'm like you TOO! But some people just like to keep things to themselves. To them, stuff like that are private, & keeping it with themselves is just the way they deal with it."
"Great~ & I have to accept that? Learn that? Whatever~"

As Lucas & Brooke lazed on the couch in the forest house everytime they can, the hugs and kisses, she wishes she owns them with her other half. The awareness. They share secrets from head to every small scars on the toes; without requiring, enquiring or forcing(!), understanding each other, and end a night like that with love. It's not plastic, it's not fake, it's NOT "Doing" or to show the other half.

In Celestine's car...

"Missing a part of being a friend first and jumping into a relationship makes you lose a LOT of wonderful little big things."
"You're seriously, Right..."