Like a Princess.

yesterday, someone named Someone told me to "think classy", or to "be like a princess". i understood Someone's point, but it took me a while to picture what Someone expected from me.

the first image that came to my head was all these korean drama princesses loaded with fucking heavy atrocious laces, walking around kik kok-kik kok in their heels, wearing make-up at home for wallpapers to see. but i suppose, that was not what Someone meant.


perhaps being a prince in korea is worse. i mean, look at them!!

coming from a (very, i emphasize VERY) small town, in johor, i grew up with barbies and toy cookeries; but there was more to that.

there was the cycling & bleeding, the stealing jasmine flowers & frying them on milo lids, the rubber game (we called it zero singapore for god knows why), throwing rocks into the hamsap ustaz's window who rubbed his fingers on 10 years old muslim girls' pussies while preaching about 'agama'...

those are not princessy deeds, are they?


this was when it started - the cycling thing. but with lipstick on. SEE?!

no one is BORN a princess. a princess must be TRAINED to be a princess. and she has to WANT to be a fucking princess. most city girls ARE princesses and though i now live in the CITY, but my home is still the jungle. that's where i came from.

when i was in my teens, i cursed a lot. hello, we are Johorians. mostly hokkiens. i'm not saying ALL hokkien johorians curse, but i was one who grew up listening to kanina, lin lao hia, linbu, linkun, lan jiao tua, chao cibai... everyday. i said, every. day. in school. i was the only chinese girl in class with 10 other chinese boys; what do u expect?


a princess today?

after spm, i went for national service. i marched hell lot. when i was in high school, i taught marching. i'm amazed at myself that i can still walk in heels today. but hey, even so, i don't let the heels control me! i wear them to feel sexy, but i kick them off bloody heels when i feel pain. princesses can't do that! but i suppose again, that this was not Someone meant either.



so what did Someone mean?

in college & uni, i was in a performing arts course - acting. u learned to express yourself. every feeling that you experience, you feel, you remember them. you keep them deep inside you so when you're onstage, you have your bank of 'savings'.

that's how i can shake off a laugh and cry in 17 seconds (fastest record so far) when my character needs to. we students, were trained that way, and that skill, be it a good or bad one, has been implanted in me.



what do people usually mean, when they say a girl is 'so princessy'. demanding, i suppose? i am. a drama queen. and as i say this, i am not proud of it. i'm not celebrating it. but i am embracing myself (you should because in the end of the day, only you would) because i understand myself so well about where i am coming from. and i despise anyone who is my friend, but is actually secretly hoping for a change in me.

i can be very demanding. dead if you are my boyfriend. but only if you are an unromantic boyfriend. so does that mean i have a 'princess' attitude? be i a princess or not, why is this even a matter. huh? why.

you either like it, take it, or leave a princess. a princess doesn't go to you. and that doesn't mean a normal girl can't do that as well.

Kenny once said that i am a failed princess. i totally agree. i never found the words to describe myself, until he put those two words together.



screaming like a to-be-slaughtered chicken? - FAILED.

so what in your opinion did Someone mean? i don't know. maybe if Someone were to judge this picture, Someone would say i should've screamed with my mouth close!

i won't deny that i love to be like a princess. after all, i am a girl and i enjoy dressing up in nice fabrics & heels, putting on lip gloss & shuttering those lashes...


dreaming of prince charming on my 'princess' bed?

but deep inside, i do believe that your childhood shapes who you are today. they are qualities - i have mine, and you have yours. you can't deny them or act like you don't know them. for those who doesn't have any, too bad because you only live once and you can't turn back time to be a kid again.

but if anyone, anyone, tells you to change (not a bad habit but) a quality in you, don't ever do it.



trust me, there are so many people out there, and there will be Someone who appreciates you for who you are, be you a princess or a fake princess like Cinderella.